5 Food-Related Costumes For Halloween

More than anything, Halloween costumes are opportunities. They can be moments to try new techniques of make-up application. Or rare occasions for non-actors to walk in someone else's shoes for a night. Or simply an excuse to wear an outfit two sizes too big -- or three sizes too small -- just because there's never another time and place to do so.

But costumes can be something else too: A chance to make a somewhat subtle, and clouded in humor, political statement. Thusly, if you're looking for ideas -- and, I suppose, have the same food-related beliefs as myself -- here are five possible costumes for your Halloween party exploits this year.

In no specific order:

Monsanto

There have been many iterations on this concept over the years, with a particularly frightening get-up unveiled at the recent anti-Monsanto protest in San Diego. So, if you're going to do it, you're going to have to do it. My suggestion: Go to the thrift store, buy an old suit, and rip a whole bunch of holes in it. Cut off the sleeves, rip the pant-legs, just disfigure it in every way possible. And then, on any piece of skin exposed underneath, paint yourself green. Basically, just like The Incredible Hulk. The difference comes in when you also buy a whole bunch of corn stalks and fashion them to your body so they poke out of the holes in your suit.

Then, the icing on the cake: Get some fake money (to pay off everyone throughout the night) and a pesticide spray can (to spray those same people later with toxic chemicals). (Don't really do that.) Oh, and while you're at it, apply devil horns, pop in contacts that make your eyes black, and spend the night ripping the labels off of everything you find at the party. There. That should do it.

Furloughed FDA Worker

Dip into the closet of your closest friend/family member who works in the medical industry and snag as many scrubs, gloves, masks, clipboards, and goggles you can find. Just make sure the clothes you're getting are able to be destroyed, because the next step is soiling the wardrobe as much as possible. Dirt, oil, fake blood, grass stains, anything you can get your hands on. Throw on a homemade FDA badge and then, on a big piece of cardboard, write in a crazed yet still readable scrawl: "Will Examine Your Food For ... Your Food."

GOP House Member

This one will require the assistance of another person, making it the perfect couple's costume. One of you dons the classic pauper costume. Dirty hands and face, disheveled hair, holes in the giant potato sack you're wearing as clothes. The other wears a pressed suit with a red tie, slicks back their hair, grins with extremely whitened teeth, and carries with them -- and, this is the most important part of the whole thing -- a fishing pole with a can of food at the end.

The costume only works with a performance: The suited GOP member holds the canned good above the pauper, slacks the string until they reach for it, and pulls it back out of reach, laughing manically the whole time. Addressing the hungry as "my constituent" the whole time is also advisable.

Bacon Culture

Wrap yourself in as much fake bacon as possible. I say fake bacon, because if you wrap yourself up in the real thing, the party's going to take a weird turn if someone decides to bring their dog along. Pretty much, that's it as far as the costume goes.

The true message comes into play with your actions during the party. Act very groggily throughout, half-drowsing in the middle of sentences, before taking a nice long sit on the couch. And then, whenever anyone sits next to you, ask them if you want to see photos of your kids. Seeing as it's the polite thing to do, they'll say "sure," which will your cue to whip out your wallet and show off a stack of blank pages. Because, you see, when you've eaten that much bacon, odds are that will be your legacy.

The "I Ate the Bones" Guy

This one's for the true last-minute bargain shoppers. Simply dress up normally, watch this ad a whole bunch to get the necessary mix of terror and shock as you understand you're living in a Brave New World full of chickens without bones, and scream the phrase throughout the party with an increasing sense of mania and panic. Oh, and if you want to go the extra yard, obtain a KFC box -- if you can dig one out of the trash rather than purchasing one, that'd be a bonus -- and just fill it up with as much disgusting blood and gore as one can purchase at a costume shop. It is Halloween, after all.

Happy haunting, everyone!