A Supposedly Fun Thing That Makes You Pretty Sick

You're in the middle of the ocean, the rolling waves of the deep blue sea as far as the eye can see. You're in a vessel with roughly 5,000 other people, nearly all of them strangers. And there's no going back. You have to wait until the journey's complete. In other words, you're trapped.

The funny thing is, you actually paid for this to happen.

This is the reality of a cruise ship vacation. And while 22 million people a year consider this a fine way to spend their hard-earned money and accrued vacation time, there are plenty of safety and health concerns when it comes to partying on a boat. Last week, ProPublica released a massive report detailing what goes wrong on these mobile luxury prisons.

The report looks at worrying aspects like pool safety, petty thefts (only thefts of $10,000 or more are required to be reported, due to the whole "international waters" thing), sexual assault (it's the number one crime on ships, albeit still rare), and people falling overboard (roughly 20 people fall over the railing each year). But perhaps the most troubling aspect are the occurrences of norovirus outbreaks on cruise ships.

While the report makes clear that people are more likely to contract the norovirus while on land than on a cruise -- of the 19 to 21 million that fall victim to the norovirus in the U.S. a year, only one percent of cases occur on cruises -- the logistics of how a cruise is set up make it ripe for the spread of viruses:

If you've booked one of these seven-day trips in a germ closet, there are ways to help decrease your odds of getting sick.

"I'd say to avoid getting sick on a cruise, you'd take the same precautions you'd take in other situations, at a restaurant or hospital or hotel," wrote Lena Groeger, author of the piece, in an email. "Lots of hand washing and hand sanitizer and being wary of the buffet lines and bathrooms!"

However, just because you perform these duties doesn't necessarily mean you're out of harm's way if one of your fellow passengers ends up getting sick. "If a fellow passenger gets sick it is more likely that you'll run into them since you're in a confined space and sharing the same public spaces," she writes.

The CDC has a list of ways to keep from getting sick on cruise ships, but mostly offer the standard ways to avoid illnesses that we've all learned. Wash your hands before and after you eat, and of course after any bathroom usage. If someone nearby seems sick, well, maybe it's smart to transfer your belongings to another beach chair. And while no one's telling you not to have a good time, make sure you take care of yourself if you're been drinking heavily, as a compromised immune system won't stand a chance against a nasty virus.

Of course, there is one guaranteed way to never end up getting that nasty norovirus, or any other food-borne or contagious illness, on a cruise ship. Just don't, dear god, ever go on a cruise.